What If?
by Mird
Summary: The characters of Fullmetal Alchemist face their greatest wishes and fears. Angst? I think not. Chapter Two: What if I get taller? In which Ed takes over the world. Not really.
1. Alphonse

**Don't mind me, I'm just killing Al's hopes and dreams and making him vain and indifferent to his own ambitions and capable of imagining girly romance scenes and stupid fantasy novel subplots...**

Chapter One

Alphonse

What if I get my body back?

What if all the girls are instantly hypnotized by my amazing good looks, charming smile and formidable fighting abilities?

What if they swarm at my feet, fighting each other and begging me for love, sex and autographs?

What if I have to turn them all down, thus ruining their already angst-ridden lives?

What if they rebel against me for breaking their hearts and shattering their dreams?

What if I'm forced to dress as my brother (No one would chase a shrimp) and take the midnight train to a secluded beach to spend the rest of my days like a hobo in a hut?

What if, as I walk down the beach under the light of the full moon, I come across a young girl named Madeline?

What if Madeline saves me from my chronic fear of fangirls and, after three young years of living on the seashore, convinces me to return to Resembool?

What if all my friends and family (a worryingly small handful of people) greet me with open arms and teary eyes, saying 'I miss you' and 'who's that girl?'

What if Madeline and I get married in the light of the sunset with birds singing their evening songs in the distance as we kiss and the attendants cry into scented tissues at the sheer emotion captured in the moment?

What if Madeline and I live happily together in a comfortably sized house for a year before making the decision to have children?

What if we don't?

What if, instead of playing it safe, we have wild, crazy sex every night until the babies start shooting out like bullets from Hawkeye's gun?

Never mind, that plan wouldn't work.

What if Madeline and I start growing apart?

What if we start to fight over stupid things?

What if, after seven years of happy marriage, I find out that Madeline has been having a continuous affair with Ed?

What if I kill him as a result of pure, unadulterated rage?

What if I'm sent to court and found guilty?

What if I have to go to a mental institution for the rest of my suddenly meaningless life?

What if I wake up one morning to find a mysterious package on my cushioned floor?

What if it contains a note that reads 'tap the third panel from the left seven times and meet me at the Central city train station no later than noon tomorrow' and enough money for a train ticket?

What if I follow the instructions, escape the insane asylum and make it to the station sixteen minutes early?

What if I find a tall man wearing all black waiting there with a single silver coin?

What if he tells me to purchase my ticket and stay on the train until it stops moving completely?

What if I ride the train for eight days before finally stepping off of it onto freshly planted green grass?

What if, in the distance, I see Madeline tied up behind a wall of thin glass?

What if the only way to set her free is to give up my silver coin?

What if the glass shatters on contact and the ropes unwind themselves?

What if Madeline leaps into my arms and-

Oh, forget it. I'll just buy myself a cat and call it a day.

* * *

**Well, what do **_**you**_** think he thinks about all night?**


	2. Edward

**"Ed became taller. His ego rose to the depths of Hell (makes no sense. But I'm older so I can say what I want. Shaddup) and he decided he should conquer the world... Not before, of course, he killed Ling for proposing to Winry and he asked her to marry him instead. She went into shock, squealed, giggled, blushed blushed blushed, randomly flashed her boobies, giggled again, picked her nose, and said yes. They got married and had 5 kids (yes, and named them after dead people) and THEN Ed decided he oughta conquer the world. But by then he was too tired to do so because 5 kids is a lotta trouble. So he just decided to fix the TV remote once and for all, buy a football-club hat, and have a root beer. The end."**

**-Nefer-T**

Chapter Two

Edward

What if I never grow another centimeter for the rest of my life?

Oh, yeah right. That won't happen! I'm growing taller already-- no, seriously! Hey! Stupid fanfic reader! Stop rolling your eyes or I'll punch 'em out!

What if I _do_ grow taller?

What if, in growing taller, my ego rises to the depths of hell and I decide that I should get my ass into gear and conquer the world?

What if that previous sentence made sense?

What if, on my way to wherever people go when they intend to conquer the world, I get sidetracked by Ling Yao's disgusting face?

What if I decide that he doesn't deserve to live after proposing to my darling Winry?

What if I kill him?

What if I kill him _in a very creative way_? And don't get caught? Haha, that would be funny.

What if, with the competition gone, _I _propose to Winry?

What if she says no?

Ah, who am I kidding? She'd say yes.

What if we get married, have five kids and name them all after dead people?

What if I can't think of a fifth dead person (Trisha, Sarah, Nina, Ling) and kill Al so that my last child can have a dead namesake like his siblings?

Haha. That would also be funny.

What if I suddenly remember that I'm supposed to be taking over the world instead of raising an obscenely large family?

What if I'm about to leave and go to wherever people go when they intend to conquer the world and I suddenly remember that I have to drive Ling to his baseball came in that one park a few blocks north? "Remember that one, Daddy? That's where we're going! No, no, you turn left! Yeah! Wait, no, you were right, we were supposed to go straight... _Daddy_, hurry up or we'll be late!"

What if I get so fed up with Ling's crappy directions that I throw him in a pond and watch him drown?

Heh. Ling died twice.

What if Nina, Sarah, Trisha and Alphonse beg me to take them out for ice cream?

What if the ice cream was actually relevant to the plot?

Hell, what if there _was _a plot?

What if, when I get home, Winry tells me to mow the lawn, fix the TV remote, walk the dog and watch the kids while she makes dinner?

What if, after all of that, conquering the world seems like too much trouble and I decide to just sit back and watch the big football game on channel 5892?

Actually, there is no channel 5892. And I hate football. But I never actually fixed that TV remote (don't tell Winry) and I'm too lazy to stand up and change the channel, so I'm really just watching static.

What if, while watching the static, I suddenly realize that there was no real reason to kill Alphonse because Hughes was already dead?

What if I go insane with guilt for naming my fifth child "Alphonse" instead of "Maes"? I mean, seriously, who wouldn't want to be named Maes?

What if I feel so angsty about it that I kill myself?

And, hey, what if I was in character? Wouldn't that be wild?


End file.
